Started smoking

Getting pissed regularly

Sinking further into depression

Missing Mum more than ever

Thinking about suicide constantly

Started cutting again

Music is keeping me alive!

It has taken a while but I'm happy to report that The Chilis were fucking amazing!!!! Just the whole atmosphere was soooooo cool!!

I'm now on my summer hols from school, mind you the weather is so shite it's hard to believe that it is the summer!! I was soooooo desperate to get my hols for months now, but then when they finally came and are here I feel really depressed! I don't know what it is, I just miss all my friends already and am feeling really low! I'm begining to think that maggie could have been right, maybe I do have slight depression? I don't want to say it to anyone though, coz it'll just make me sound attention seeking! Just before we broke up from school one of my best friends, Jess moved away to live with her gran in Glasgow! I was really upset and started to cry and everything, I mean I never cry!! What's wrong with me, it seems I've been crying lots lately! I don't even know why? The same day that Jess left, one of my hens died. It was Sheila, the one named after my Mum, fuck coincidence or what?!

Last night was a bit weird though. Danny across the road and his little bro were out playing football on the road and they kicked the ball in our garden. They came up to get it and then ended up staying co Megan was playing football with Paddy, Danny's bro, coz they are friends. It was really weird though, coz I was sure Danny hated me after the whole me totally fancying him thing!! I mean I think he's really sweet now but I don't fancy him no more! Danny's wee sister is only 4 and she decided she wanted to come up and see our hamster too! She sat for about an hour just playing with wee ralph the hamster, she is sooooo sweet! Later on me and Allie went out with Struin, then came home to finish a half bottle of gin I had hidden in my room! We ended going back out again though till after 12! Gran was not pleased!! Ah well! I was speaking to a friend of my Mum's last night, who also happened to be quite pissed, and she was so sweet! Me and Allie ended up sleeping in the tent in our back gared but we came in about 5:30 this morning coz I was fucking freezing!!!!!

Today it's raining, AGAIN, and I'm still in my p.j's! My cousin Lisa is comming over from Canada next week with her grandparents, I can't wait coz I've never met her before! She is 15 and we've been e-mailing and she sounded quite cool! Suppose I should go wake Allie, she fell asleep in my bed hours ago!!

Oh! I still madly in love with Joe but I doubt he likes me in that way! He keeps going to his upstairs window at night and waving to me though!!! Byes!

Hmmmmm? Been a while i know, i'm sorry!!! I don't know where time goes anymore, it just passes ya by doesn't it?! I'm doing not too badly though, still seeing Maggie but I'm begining to think she can't help me so I reckon I'm gonna stop going. I have been chatting with one of my Mum's old friends though, which is pretty cool as she can tell me lots of wild stuff about my Mum which my gran never knew. I also am now officially in my my 4th year of high school!! Fuck that means i can leave in a years time!!! Now that is scary!! I moved down from the credit maths class to genral coz I was finding it really difficult, but it turned out t be quite a pleasant surprise!!! You see I sit behind this guy called Mark and he is just sooooo sweet!!! It's really funny though, coz until I went into my new maths class I'd hardly spoken to him but now we spent the whole maths lesson chatting!!! I think I like him!! I've been kinda flirting with him and my mate said he was flirting with me and she don't even know I like him!!! Yesterday in class he was so sweet and offered to get me a ruler and although I was well aware of the one in my pencil case I let him go get me one!! Then my friend who sits next to me took it of me and Mark turned round and told her to give it back, then when she refused, he gave me his!!!! So sweet!!! He has got these gorge BIG brown eyes and looks so cute when he keeps turning round to look at me!!! Sometimes he kinda half turns and i think he doesn't realise I can see him, but I can!!! But, after me all sure I liked him, last night I went out with Allie. We met up with some guys and Joe was there and for some reason I was totally hooked on him and couldn't keep my eyes off him! I mean I'm quite sure he don't like me, but he was really nice to me!!! Then at school today he was still really sweet and even walked up the road with me after school!!! Fuck why do I have to like two guys at once????!!!!! Ah well! Oh!!! It's only 5 DAYS till I go see THE CHILIS play at Murrayfield stadium in Edinburgh!!!!!!! I soooooooo can't wait!!!! It's gonna be sooooooo cool!!! I reckon I better go for now, need to get some stuff together coz i'm going on a school trip tommorrow to do a competition at Edinburgh Uni!! Hopefully find time to write again soon!!! Byes!!!      

Hello! Last night I was on the phone to screech and he was in a right state coz he seemingly declared his love to some unknown girl he likes and she told him she didn't want to hear what he had to say!! God I would have listened!!! I tried to make him feel better by saying he was too good for him and she didn't know what she was missing out on but he still sounded like shit!!! I tried texting him today to see if he was ok but there was no reply!!! God I hope he is ok, I hate it when e unhappy and I hate it even more when he doesn't reply or speak to me!!! School on the other hand was just as shit as usual!!! Nothing exciting ever happens and I was soooooo glad to get home after!! I cut again yesaterday before school, yeah I know it sounds a bit stupid, but it's nice knowing that under your school jumper there are these cuts and scars!! Hmmm? I am sooooo fucked up aren't I???? I think I'll go for now, got homework to do!!! Byes

There is something seriously wrong with me!!! Over the past three days I have slept 37 hours!!!! I mean that is sooooo not normal is it??? I have just been soooo tired!!! Today is my great aunts birthday so we had to go visit which was pretty boring!!! It is also my cat smartie's birthday!!! She is six!!! Awwww!!! Not really been up to much else, just reading in the garden. I bought "Mojo" coz it has pages and pages of Morrissey in it!!! I think I'm still in love with Screech!!! I mean I know he don't like me as anything other than a good friend, but I was just thinking about that week we went out and how happy I was!!!! I thought he was happyv too!! I don't understand how he changed so quickly!! One day he was phoning me up saying how unhappy he was because he couldn't see me and he was just about in tears, then the next he told me it was over!!! I thought I was over him when I thought I liked Jo again but after shouting at me the other day, it made me think twice!! Fuck!!! I wish I had more luck with guys!!! Ah well, back to school and hell tomorrow!!!! Can't wait....... not!!!